Thick as Thieves Read online

  Katherine Chandler

  THICK AS THIEVES

  NICK HERN BOOKS

  London

  www.nickhernbooks.co.uk

  Contents

  Original Production

  Foreword

  Acknowledgements

  Dedication

  Characters

  Thick As Thieves

  About the Author

  Copyright and Performing Rights Information

  Thick As Thieves was originally produced by Clean Break and first performed was first performed at Theatr Clwyd on 11 October 2018. The cast was as follows:

  GAIL Polly Frame

  KAREN Siwan Morris

  Director Róisín McBrinn

  Designer Alyson Cummins

  Lighting Designer Azusa Ono

  Sound Designer Elena Peña

  Producer (Clean Break) Alison Hargreaves

  Producer (Theatr Clwyd) William James

  Company Stage Manager Jade Gooch

  Deputy Stage Manager Emily Hewlett

  Foreword

  Róisín McBrinn, Tamara Harvey

  It’s funny where chance can lead you. It was an autumnal day, after a celebration of the wonderful theatre life of Lawrence Harbottle, that two directors bumped into each other on a busy Tube. Tamara was beginning her journey as Artistic Director of Clwyd and Róisín had just got her feet under the desk at Clean Break as their new Head of Artistic Programme. Full of the energy of having celebrated a life dedicated to theatre and playwrights, and our new posts, we started talking about the future.

  Along her crash course into criminal justice, Róisín had been shocked to find out that there is no prison for women in Wales – Tamara took up post at Clwyd just as it was confirmed that the new ‘super prison’ in Wrexham would not take women prisoners. The average distance of a woman in prison in the UK from her home is a huge 66 miles but Welsh women are frequently even further away from their families: in 2007, the Welsh Affairs Committee reported that the average distance from home for Welsh adult women was 101 miles. Women in south Wales are taken to HMP Eastwood Park in Gloucestershire (almost four hours from Swansea by public transport) while women in north Wales go to HMP Styal in Cheshire (around three hours from Mold by public transport). These figures do not, of course, reflect the negative cultural and possible linguistic impacts that this geographic division can cause on women’s lives.

  Together we felt compelled to find a way to combine our companies’ energies, and dedication to new plays, to commission a Welsh play about the lives of women affected by the criminal justice system. Katherine Chandler, Wales’s leading female playwright and a long-term collaborator of Róisín’s, was the perfect fit.

  Acknowledgements

  Thanks to Róisín McBrinn and Tamara Harvey.

  And Siwan Morris and Polly Frame.

  K.C.

  To Guy, Mali and Mathonwy

  Always for you

  Characters

  GAIL

  KAREN

  This ebook was created before the end of rehearsals and so may differ slightly from the play as performed.

  One

  The Factory

  Although the scene is real and a single incident, it’s also surreal and a representation of many incidents in GAIL’s life. The many times that she has come up against broken rules and routines and closing doors and second chances.

  It should reflect the chaos she has in her thoughts and the cycle of obstacles she faces repeatedly.

  A radio can play. On and off. Nina Simone songs come in and out. A variety but must have ‘My Baby Just Cares for Me’ within the mix. White noise and levels of louder volume as and when useful to suggest absurdity. A buzz might be helpful.

  A door might slam off somewhere. The lights flicker/dim. A door might lock.

  There might be a chair or a desk that would suggest an office/something official.

  Between her dialogue, which is directed at random members of the audience, GAIL will do all or some of the following:

  Wait.

  Fidget.

  Sit up and down, out and in, of the chair.

  Pick at herself.

  Drum her fingers.

  Jump.

  Turn around.

  Get confused.

  Rub her eyes.

  Turn and stand with her back to the audience.

  Sniff.

  Fuss her hair.

  Circle the space.

  Sniff again.

  Clear her throat.

  Be bothered by her nose.

  Hum. ‘My baby…’

  Childish formula dancing.

  Wipe her nose with the back of her hand.

  Look at the back of her hand. Shit, shouldn’t have done that.

  Wipe her hand in her skirt.

  Look around.

  Rub down her clothes.

  GAIL is onstage. Alone. Waiting. She paces. Circles. In her own time she finds her place. Directs her dialogue at audience members. Using all of the audience. Moving at the reset.

  GAIL I know you said to phone.

  But. You know.

  By the time I call.

  Sorry. I am. I’m sorry.

  How late was I?

  Five minutes?

  Twenty-five.

  Okay, well I thought it was less so.

  Sounds break into the scene. The radio changes. The lights are brighter/dimmer.

  GAIL resets.

  I was going to call, it’s just…

  I didn’t so.

  Okay, well.

  I know that, I just thought.

  I thought it was less.

  I thought.

  About ten or something

  like that.

  Last time?

  I don’t remember that.

  There’s nothing wrong with my memory.

  Alright?

  Sounds break in.

  GAIL resets.

  I think it is, yeah.

  Sorry. I am. I’m sorry.

  But. You know.

  People like me?

  I know. And I’m grateful, miss.

  I need this.

  Yeah. Yes.

  It does.

  It does help.

  And I’m grateful.

  Sounds break in.

  GAIL resets.

  It won’t happen again. I swear.

  Four minutes? Was I?

  That was a piss. I’ll bet that was it.

  I mean, come on.

  I was an hour late on the 23rd.

  If you wanna do me for late.

  Make it a good one at least.

  I do try.

  I did.

  Sounds break in.

  GAIL resets.

  It’s not excuses.

  It’s not. I’m just telling you.

  It’s reasons.

  Things happen. To me they do.

  I’m not lying.

  I know.

  I was offered the position in good faith. I was.

  Decency?

  I’m decent.

  Come on.

  Miss.

  Please.

  Sounds break in.

  GAIL resets.

  I know all about honesty.

  You saying I’m not honest?

  I value it too.

  You haven’t got the what’s-it-called on that. Honesty.

  Poor attendance? Yeah well.

  Performance?

  I can read.

  I said, I’m sorry.

  Look. I’m sorry alright.

  Don’t.

  Sounds break in.

  GAIL resets.

  I know all about the disciplinary action.

  I didn’t attend that meeting, so.

  It’s not what y
ou’re thinking.

  I tried.

  I got the letter, I said…

  And that, the attatchment, I got that.

  And I was gonna phone to discuss the stuff what it said.

  I was.

  I know that now.

  I don’t know why.

  Sounds break in. ‘My Baby Just Cares for Me’ is in among them.

  GAIL resets.

  Four weeks’ notice?

  What now? From now?

  What about the four weeks?

  And that’s it?

  Payment in what?

  Where will you forward it?

  I don’t know, do I.

  I worked hard.

  I did.

  Sometimes things… it’s not excuses. I’m just saying, you got it wrong.

  You got me wrong.

  It’s not right this.

  Thirty days to appeal?

  Does that work, does it?

  You reckon that’s gonna work?

  Okay, I see it. I can read, you know.

  Yeah, well.

  Well…

  Here we go again.

  Sounds break in.

  The lights flicker/change/radio changes to loud white noise

  A loud buzz.

  GAIL starts to hum over the buzz: ‘My Baby Just Cares for Me’.

  Half-hearted foot moves. Hand taps. Taking us into…

  éëíñó

  Two

  The Office

  GAIL lightly whistles ‘My Baby Just Cares for Me’.

  End of day.

  Early evening.

  Deserted office.

  KAREN is at her desk.

  GAIL taps at door.

  GAIL I was out there for a while so I

  KAREN Right. Yes.

  GAIL Nobody said nothing to me. I just came in.

  KAREN Oh. Right.

  GAIL You might wanna think about your security there, Kaz, you know in today’s climate, with terrorists and that.

  KAREN I don’t think there’s any need for that.

  GAIL Yeah.

  Perhaps they thought I worked here.

  A cleaner or something.

  KAREN Gail.

  Sorry, I was…

  GAIL You’re a busy lady.

  KAREN Yes.

  Come in

  I’m.

  God.

  Look, sorry

  It’s been a long day…

  GAIL Look at you.

  KAREN Ceri said…

  GAIL You look good, Kaz.

  KAREN She said – Do I? Thank you – Ceri said –

  Pauses.

  She said there was someone –

  Pauses.

  Takes a breath.

  It’s out of the blue you know…

  GAIL Yeah.

  KAREN It’s a surprise…

  GAIL Nice office.

  KAREN I mean… thanks… but You.

  Coming here

  GAIL You got your name on the door and everything.

  KAREN Don’t get me wrong.

  It’s – the name-on-the-door thing’s a bit… but

  It is a bit

  It’s unexpected isn’t it? This?

  GAIL You changed your name.

  Pause.

  KAREN Yes.

  Well.

  You know, just

  Everyone calls me Kate.

  So.

  GAIL Not Karen, any more.

  KAREN No.

  No.

  Not really

  Not any more

  Pause.

  Not for a long time really.

  GAIL Made it hard to find you, did that.

  KAREN Really?

  You found me though.

  GAIL Yeah.

  I keep in touch with Teresa.

  She’s got grandkids, you know. She had her first one when she was thirty-four, said she pretty much brings ’em up by all accounts, don’t mind though, they’re good kids.

  And Dorian.

  Remember him?

  He was inside last I heard and his sisters too. They was around for a while but I haven’t seen none of them in donkey’s years, so.

  I don’t know where the others ended up.

  It was Teresa told me about you.

  Told me she run into you in town a couple of months ago.

  With your husband.

  Said he was a lawyer or something.

  Kids.

  Said you’d just moved back here with your fancy job. She said she wasn’t sure it was you at first cos your husband was calling you Kate.

  But it was you alright.

  When she told me what your new name was and that you was working for the council, well, it was easy enough then.

  I googled you.

  Googled me and all.

  There’s a few of me around, Kaz.

  Should see them. Professors and all sorts.

  One of them was a porn director. That’s about right that. (Laughs.) That’s what I thought.

  Gail Palmer. Interior designers and everything.

  I wasn’t there though. Not the actual me.

  (Laughs.) That could be a blessing though. What’s someone gonna write about me, aye.

  Dread to think.

  You came up straight away though, with all quotes and policies and strategies and all that. Dead important you was. That’s what I thought when I seen it. There was an actress as well. A comedian. I didn’t know her.

  But you though.

  There was a big photo of you saying you was the new Head of Children’s Services.

  KAREN I said I didn’t want a photo.

  It’s all a bit – I don’t know why they needed – it’s embarrassing really.

  PR and

  I never like doing the photo things but on that one – I don’t know if it’s appropriate – you know, I’ll have to tell them –

  Takes a breath.

  It was for a charity campaign so

  Look…

  Gail,

  Pause.

  Takes a breath.

  This – it’s knocked me sideways a bit.

  I have to say.

  GAIL It’s been a long time.

  KAREN Yes.

  Stops.

  Is there a reason you’re here, Gail?

  GAIL It’s a nice room, you got.

  KAREN It’s just if you wanted to speak with me

  GAIL Speak with you?

  I did want to ‘speak with you’

  KAREN You could have arranged a time.

  I just

  You know

  Coming out of the blue like this.

  Pause.

  GAIL Oh sorry, Kaz. Course.

  I didn’t realise.

  KAREN It’s fine.

  It’s just I’m so busy.

  GAIL Yeah. God. What am I like, just turning up?

  KAREN It’s not.

  It’s fine really.

  GAIL I should have made an appointment?

  KAREN Well, appointment sounds…

  GAIL Yeah. I did try to contact you a bit.

  KAREN Oh.

  GAIL After I saw Teresa, you know.

  But I couldn’t get hold of you.

  Even tried to get on your Facebook an’ all.

  KAREN You can arrange to see me with Ceri on the desk.

  GAIL Yeah, I did try to do that.

  Your diary is chocka there, Kaz, that’s what she said.

  I thought though,

  I’d just come and see you.

  You know.

  KAREN Yes.

  Well

  Today’s been crazy.

  Hectic.

  GAIL Yeah, I seen that.

  KAREN I had a

  It’s madness really

  You know

  This week’s been really tough.

  GAIL So I just waited on that chair there outside. I been there most of the day.

  KAREN There’s important things that – Actually this month’s been, this year even –
>
  GAIL And then everyone was leaving. And that Ceri, she told me I had to leave with everyone.

  KAREN It’s a busy job.

  GAIL So I walked out with them all.

  KAREN You can imagine.

  GAIL But then I come back in. I thought I’d check that you was still here.

  KAREN I am.

  GAIL I can see that.

  KAREN I’m usually here until the others

  Ceri goes

  Generally Ceri goes and then

  After that I leave.

  GAIL Children’s Services though? It’s funny that, don’t you think? You, ending up working in the care system.

  KAREN Is it?

  I never thought about it really.

  Thinks.

  Maybe.

  GAIL Made me laugh a bit. But then I s’pose. Maybe it’s a good thing.

  KAREN Right.

  Is Ceri there, at all?

  GAIL She went a while back.

  KAREN I didn’t see her go?

  GAIL You didn’t notice?

  KAREN Is there anyone in the office?

  GAIL They’ve all gone home.

  Just you and me.

  KAREN And Bill? Bill will be around.

  GAIL It is late to be working this is, Kaz.

  KAREN I work long hours.

  GAIL That Ceri.

  Is she your right-hand man is she?

  KAREN Ceri’s my PA.

  She’s very good, as it goes.

  GAIL Is she? I dunno.

  KAREN What?

  GAIL Look, it’s not for me to say.

  But if I’m honest with you, Karen, your girl there’s a bit jobsworthy I reckon.

  KAREN Ceri?

  GAIL Cos I phoned Monday and she said she’d get back to me, I said, I told her who it was. I told her to tell you.

  She didn’t get back to me though, which I don’t think is that good actually.

  KAREN That’s really not like Ceri.

  GAIL I tried again then on Tuesday. A few times, mind you.

  And all day Wednesday an’ all.

  KAREN She’s the best PA I’ve had.

  GAIL She wouldn’t put me through is what I think happened.

  KAREN I’m sure that’s not what happened.

  GAIL Did she tell you?

  Pause.

  KAREN She knows not to

  If I’m on a difficult case

  Anyone.

  She won’t put anyone through.

  GAIL Are you on a difficult case?

  KAREN Yes.

  GAIL Well.

  Okay then

  but she could have got back to me though.

  KAREN She probably

  She forgot, is all it is.

  GAIL A bit rude though, Karen.

  That’s what I think.

  Pause.

  KAREN Look, Gail, I hope you don’t mind but I’ve been in meetings all day and actually my head is thumping.